Focus

Its exciting to be caught up in the turbulence of new ideas, trailing your mind as it speeds ahead on the wings of possibility. Creating your own future is a dizzying prospect, but in reality it's what we all do anyway, whether we're conscious of the fact or not. I see myself doing the things I've dreamt about for so many years, I'm climbing towards my destiny, climbing the ladder. My muscles burn and my blood is pumping, and sometimes the finish line seems as distant as ever, but I keep going because every step brings my future closer into focus.

Yin / Yang

Outside. The air is chilled and the wind is blowing hard. A slight whistle creeps round the corner every time there is a gust, and the trees bow to the strength of a storm building in the distance. It is night, yet the glow of the city lights and the soft pulse of the moon render the sky a suggestive mauve peering throught gaps torn from the blanket of clouds.

Looking up, stretching my neck and staring into the night, I let my thoughts follow the wind, pockets of calm adorned with rough lashings of turbulence cascading one after the other. In the midst of the tide I see that a tuft of cloud has broken itself in two and curled inwards. Whirls and eddies have carved a shaft in each of the bodies, and I am facing a Yin-Yang symbol formed by clouds.

The moment is peaceful and wondrous, and although I know it is only a trick of the mind, and the shape will soon shift again, I let the idea enter me and understand the meaning of the halves, each side of us, of all of this. The balance.

I wait, watching the symbol and breathing in the stillness it brings, until it fades and then vanishes.

Fear and Self-Loathing

Fuck. What's wrong with me? There must be something wrong. I have upset people, betrayed my closest friends. I have destroyed trust and behaved so poorly that I can see the hurt and disgust in the wide, horrified eyes of those around me. Why? Why do I do this? I am sabotaging myself, I am drowning in my bullshit, my words spread so thick and oily that I become stuck in my mess and coated in the spray of nothing. I am so destructive that I can't even help myself. I want to laugh and tear my eyes out - why would someone so caught up in themselves not even make an effort to actually help the one they love? Do I hate myself? Am I doing this as a punishment; is this the lashing I deserve for the years of deceit and deception and bullshit? Help yourself! It's the bullshit - it must be. I have become so used to laying it on thick that I end up tricking myself out of success.

So, what to do? Take the hit, I guess. Swallow my pride, accept the mistake and move on. Learn something from this.