Yin / Yang

Outside. The air is chilled and the wind is blowing hard. A slight whistle creeps round the corner every time there is a gust, and the trees bow to the strength of a storm building in the distance. It is night, yet the glow of the city lights and the soft pulse of the moon render the sky a suggestive mauve peering throught gaps torn from the blanket of clouds.

Looking up, stretching my neck and staring into the night, I let my thoughts follow the wind, pockets of calm adorned with rough lashings of turbulence cascading one after the other. In the midst of the tide I see that a tuft of cloud has broken itself in two and curled inwards. Whirls and eddies have carved a shaft in each of the bodies, and I am facing a Yin-Yang symbol formed by clouds.

The moment is peaceful and wondrous, and although I know it is only a trick of the mind, and the shape will soon shift again, I let the idea enter me and understand the meaning of the halves, each side of us, of all of this. The balance.

I wait, watching the symbol and breathing in the stillness it brings, until it fades and then vanishes.

Fear and Self-Loathing

Fuck. What's wrong with me? There must be something wrong. I have upset people, betrayed my closest friends. I have destroyed trust and behaved so poorly that I can see the hurt and disgust in the wide, horrified eyes of those around me. Why? Why do I do this? I am sabotaging myself, I am drowning in my bullshit, my words spread so thick and oily that I become stuck in my mess and coated in the spray of nothing. I am so destructive that I can't even help myself. I want to laugh and tear my eyes out - why would someone so caught up in themselves not even make an effort to actually help the one they love? Do I hate myself? Am I doing this as a punishment; is this the lashing I deserve for the years of deceit and deception and bullshit? Help yourself! It's the bullshit - it must be. I have become so used to laying it on thick that I end up tricking myself out of success.

So, what to do? Take the hit, I guess. Swallow my pride, accept the mistake and move on. Learn something from this.